...and my brother in California and my extended family etc etc

Half an hour ago the only flaw in my life was that it was 3am so there was no one around to talk to about how perfect it was. Now there is a big flaw. It's not actually all that big. One of my siblings managed to bend a whole bunch of pages of my signed copy of A Feast for Crows. But it reminded me that was life wasn't actually flawless before, just pretty good. There are actually lots of things I am annoyed/upset about, but there are also things that are good.

I don't know what that means yet.

Um. Things to say. I really like Connie Willis. I went to a party last night. I spent a lot of time being vaguely amused by the interactions between various people there.

Eventually Harper and Mary Claire and I left. For a while we all lay in the dark on the bed downstairs in MC's house and talked and talked. I heard about lots of drama involving Killian, and I talked about this last semester and got cuddled and loved, and then Mary Claire fell asleep and I had a late night barely coherent but interesting conversation with Harper. Then Harper wanted to go to sleep and I went upstairs and slept in Mary Claire's bed by myself because I wanted to read first. I left the light on. Mary Claire came in at seven when I had been asleep for about an hour and maybe tried to speak to me but I mumbled at her and she left.

Later she told me she turned the light out when she left and I thought, 'did you turn it on? that must be why I woke up' but I just didn't remember. When I woke up I felt unhappy and just wanted to go home, but then Susan fed me coffee and I felt much better and we all talked for a while.

I am feeling a little guilty about my existence right now, but mostly good. Mostly okay. New Year's was so fascinating, so full of changes in emotion.

I am not super happy about it. There are things that are good, of course, like our rooms, although I almost wish there was nothing the same about mine at all. And maybe things would be better if I hadn't just been completely tired the past two days. But I have been, and I am not super happy.

I won't quite have a license till I go to the Secretary of State tomorrow. But I passed. Wheee. I can drive things.

I am going back to college on Sunday. I am going to drive there. My father will go with me to drive the car back though, because I don't have a car. But basically right now I am filled with all the real person-ness. All of it. I am such a real person with a piece of paper that says I can get a license if I go to the Secretary of State with all the other pieces of paper in my possession.

Perfect record. Which is all I am sharing with you, internet.

Earlier Kerry said she was going to blow up the first floor TV (in jest) because then she wouldn't get common billed, and I said if she did I would turn her in (I don't know whether I actually would. It would probably depend on my mood, just like the Scruples card about the drunk taxi driver, or whatever. I don't know how I feel about tattling. But that's beside the point). Matt said that you don't tell on people, and I think I asked, Who says? and he said everyone. Which is indisputably true. Well, except parents, maybe. But the point is, a very large group of people feel that it is not very classy to tell on someone, no matter what they're doing. And I kind of want to agree with them. Kind of.

But also I just want to think about it. I mean, where would such an unquestionable rule have come from? Why would it be so ingrained in all of us? It seems to be ingrained in me as well. Kerry said, It's like Prisoner's Dilemma. And in some ways it is. If I never tell on you, or Kerry, or whomever, and you, or Kerry, or whomever never tells on me, then we all get away with whatever we want. Which is good for all of us. But unlike Prisoner's Dilemma, where there are no variables to consider but the amount of jail time you will get for each decision, and possibly, if you're playing that way, the way your decisions this round will affect your opponent's in the future, in the real world crimes (the word crimes being used in a general sense to mean anything that some authority figure would object to, and therefore anything that could be told on) hurt other people. So it's not just me and you or Kerry or whomever that needs to be considered, but also all the poor people on the first floor paying for the microwave they didn't break. And yeah, some crimes don't affect other people, or at least not in a way I can immediately see to connect, but some do. So I think I kind of approve of telling on people. Although. This is not to say I would. Because I think in general my happy relationships with my friends are more important than saving everyone on the first floor two dollars, or whatever.

But there. Those are my thoughts.

I am up very early. I am tired, but I can't sleep. I feel very hollow. I think I should get off the internet.

"Just like I sometimes don't have a calculator because I'm stranded on a desert island."

WHY ARE MY FRIENDS TALKING? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? WHY AM I UNABLE TO TUNE THEM OUT AND DO HOMEWORK?

I just started yelling, "I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK" at Matt when he asked me to support him in his argument with Kerry. Joey and Tyler gave me weird looks.

I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK. I NEED TO DO HOMEWORK. Fuck.

I am sitting here waiting for the internet to stop failing to let me do my french homework. Yesterday was one of the most mildly unpleasant without being actually terrible days of my life. Today was just full of homework, and the knowledge that after eight hours of sleep I could wake up feeling more tired than when I began.

Kerry is sitting on the floor reading Walden and eating a samosa. She doesn't seem happy. Joey is watching Tyler play Heroes. I want to tell him the thing that I didn't want to say last night--namely, that it's silly that he stayed up past three playing Heroes with Tyler when he spends so much time talking about how he doesn't even really like Heroes, except he does because his friends do.

Tyler is playing Heroes. Obviously.

Matt is watching the superbowl.

I finished my calculus homework, and I taught myself to do the thing I didn't know how to do last semester because I skipped class all the time and never learned it. Having started out not in a calc class this semester and not even being sure if the college will let me be in this one without my parents paying a ton of extra money that shouldn't happen has renewed my appreciation for math, even calc. Math is beautiful. Math is the most beautiful thing. It is true and logical and wonderful and all I want to do with the rest of my life is learn math and maybe occasionally econ.

On the other hand, I have not finished my French homework (which isn't due until Tuesday, but the internet thinks it's due tomorrow, which could be a problem). My french teacher doesn't like me. I am not doing as well in French as I used to, probably due to having taken a year and a half off. This is distressing. I haven't finished my ESem reading either, but I think I just decided not to. I found it too upsetting.

Today I spent time with Harper which was fun. I also listened to my friends discuss their love life using Virginia Woolf metaphors, and I talked to Joey and Tyler on the internet. I also ran into/briefly interacted with: Orli, Priya, Lauren Banka, and Noah Glaser. It was the most exciting and people-filled day I have had since break started, even though parts were unpleasant. Prior I had not left the house for four or five days. If I go to sleep tomorrow will be a new day.