Untitled

I am back at school

2009-08-26T03:48:56Z

I am not super happy about it. There are things that are good, of course, like our rooms, although I almost wish there was nothing the same about mine at all. And maybe things would be better if I hadn't just been completely tired the past two days. But I have been, and I am not super happy.

I passed my driving test!

2009-08-20T14:21:54Z

I won't quite have a license till I go to the Secretary of State tomorrow. But I passed. Wheee. I can drive things.

I am going back to college on Sunday. I am going to drive there. My father will go with me to drive the car back though, because I don't have a car. But basically right now I am filled with all the real person-ness. All of it. I am such a real person with a piece of paper that says I can get a license if I go to the Secretary of State with all the other pieces of paper in my possession.

btdubs

2009-05-07T10:26:50Z

Perfect record. Which is all I am sharing with you, internet.

Musings

2009-04-07T03:48:51Z

Earlier Kerry said she was going to blow up the first floor TV (in jest) because then she wouldn't get common billed, and I said if she did I would turn her in (I don't know whether I actually would. It would probably depend on my mood, just like the Scruples card about the drunk taxi driver, or whatever. I don't know how I feel about tattling. But that's beside the point). Matt said that you don't tell on people, and I think I asked, Who says? and he said everyone. Which is indisputably true. Well, except parents, maybe. But the point is, a very large group of people feel that it is not very classy to tell on someone, no matter what they're doing. And I kind of want to agree with them. Kind of.

But also I just want to think about it. I mean, where would such an unquestionable rule have come from? Why would it be so ingrained in all of us? It seems to be ingrained in me as well. Kerry said, It's like Prisoner's Dilemma. And in some ways it is. If I never tell on you, or Kerry, or whomever, and you, or Kerry, or whomever never tells on me, then we all get away with whatever we want. Which is good for all of us. But unlike Prisoner's Dilemma, where there are no variables to consider but the amount of jail time you will get for each decision, and possibly, if you're playing that way, the way your decisions this round will affect your opponent's in the future, in the real world crimes (the word crimes being used in a general sense to mean anything that some authority figure would object to, and therefore anything that could be told on) hurt other people. So it's not just me and you or Kerry or whomever that needs to be considered, but also all the poor people on the first floor paying for the microwave they didn't break. And yeah, some crimes don't affect other people, or at least not in a way I can immediately see to connect, but some do. So I think I kind of approve of telling on people. Although. This is not to say I would. Because I think in general my happy relationships with my friends are more important than saving everyone on the first floor two dollars, or whatever.

But there. Those are my thoughts.

anaraelia @ 2009-03-21T07:16:00

2009-03-21T11:17:13Z

I am up very early. I am tired, but I can't sleep. I feel very hollow. I think I should get off the internet.

I will kill you all

2009-02-06T03:30:41Z

"Just like I sometimes don't have a calculator because I'm stranded on a desert island."

WHY ARE MY FRIENDS TALKING? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? WHY AM I UNABLE TO TUNE THEM OUT AND DO HOMEWORK?

I just started yelling, "I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK" at Matt when he asked me to support him in his argument with Kerry. Joey and Tyler gave me weird looks.

I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK. I NEED TO DO HOMEWORK. Fuck.

consumed with what's to transpire

2009-02-02T02:46:49Z

I am sitting here waiting for the internet to stop failing to let me do my french homework. Yesterday was one of the most mildly unpleasant without being actually terrible days of my life. Today was just full of homework, and the knowledge that after eight hours of sleep I could wake up feeling more tired than when I began.

Kerry is sitting on the floor reading Walden and eating a samosa. She doesn't seem happy. Joey is watching Tyler play Heroes. I want to tell him the thing that I didn't want to say last night--namely, that it's silly that he stayed up past three playing Heroes with Tyler when he spends so much time talking about how he doesn't even really like Heroes, except he does because his friends do.

Tyler is playing Heroes. Obviously.

Matt is watching the superbowl.

I finished my calculus homework, and I taught myself to do the thing I didn't know how to do last semester because I skipped class all the time and never learned it. Having started out not in a calc class this semester and not even being sure if the college will let me be in this one without my parents paying a ton of extra money that shouldn't happen has renewed my appreciation for math, even calc. Math is beautiful. Math is the most beautiful thing. It is true and logical and wonderful and all I want to do with the rest of my life is learn math and maybe occasionally econ.

On the other hand, I have not finished my French homework (which isn't due until Tuesday, but the internet thinks it's due tomorrow, which could be a problem). My french teacher doesn't like me. I am not doing as well in French as I used to, probably due to having taken a year and a half off. This is distressing. I haven't finished my ESem reading either, but I think I just decided not to. I found it too upsetting.

see orion and say nothing

2008-12-24T06:54:56Z

Today I spent time with Harper which was fun. I also listened to my friends discuss their love life using Virginia Woolf metaphors, and I talked to Joey and Tyler on the internet. I also ran into/briefly interacted with: Orli, Priya, Lauren Banka, and Noah Glaser. It was the most exciting and people-filled day I have had since break started, even though parts were unpleasant. Prior I had not left the house for four or five days. If I go to sleep tomorrow will be a new day.

3am realizations

2008-12-16T07:45:16Z

It's occurred to me that I have exes old enough that I have absolutely no personal interest in their romantic doings. This is a bizarre feeling.

It's occurred to me that college is 1/8 done with.

It's occurred to me that, like magic, I actually am old enough and mature enough to handle the challenges of my life as they come along (although I will give credit to some very helpful friends and relatives).

It's occurred to me that pretty much everything I've done today has been vaguely inconsiderate.

It's occurred to me that advil is God.

It's occurred to me that I should go to bed.

I'm pretty hungry at the moment

2008-10-09T16:09:31Z

Kerry, Tyler, Joey, and I are all fasting for Yom Kippur, even though I'm the only Jewish one. This is nice. It means lots of moral support. I'm also kind of just enjoying the fasting. I think maybe we should have monthly fasts or something. Maybe I'm going a little overboard, though.

Why the fuck am I even still awake?

2008-09-29T14:17:18Z

We stayed up all night watching all of LoTR, extended editions, one after the other. I should be more tired. I actually had fun, much to my surprise. I was getting weird vibes today. Some were good, some boded badly for everyone, and there's one explanation for all of it that makes sense and is cool. So I guess I'll go with that one.

Today was full of drama, but none directly related to me. It was not super excellent. Today I met with my IP professor, who is super awesome, and the student I am co-leading Monday's discussion with and it came up that both of their favorite lines from the class were said by me. Which made me feel good.

Edit: I just got my first calc test back. I got an A and was apparently the only person in the class who got full credit on one of the problems. So that's cool.

More college

2008-09-13T06:48:00Z

There are so many fucking drunk people here.

Also I got swordfished for the first time. Which is okay except when I want to sleep. And then I feel like a bitch for being the sort of person who would actually mention that it's after two. But whatever.

College feels real now, less like summer camp. And I have friends who are real, which is cool, except that they come with a whole new set of concerns, so I have worry about them and at the same time worry that I'm spending too much time with them. But they are cool so it doesn't matter.

People I need to call:
Micah
Harper
Celeste
My family
Aimee
Maybe someone else I'm forgetting

Earlier tonight I thought I could never contain my anger

2008-09-10T04:35:01Z

I miss my home. And my family. And my roommate and her not-a-boyfriend are lying in her bed cuddling and talking and not having sex or being self-conscious and I... I am so jealous of that.

But I have beautiful posters in my room and friends who are wonderful even though they don't mind movies that I dislike. And I am going to be okay.

Really this is just too much

2008-09-01T04:56:07Z

The thing about college is that I don't have any expectations to live up to/I have a different set for every person. And I can be anyone/anything. Like, I could get drunk every night or be a tee totaler, I can be a slut or abstinent, I could be any major I wanted... and there's no one from back home who would try to tell me one way to be or hold me to anything I used to say. The problem with this is that I'm such a chameleon to begin with that I can generally see which way of being will make a certain person like me the most, and then I want to be like that while I'm with them, but I have to do this again for every single person, and I can't actually be all those things at once, I just have the potential to be all those things.

And I don't want to give anyone a false impression. But right now I have no guidelines, except that I have to live with my actions.

I am also a very weird person. I am very good at getting what I want, and very bad at figuring out what that is. Right now it seems to be a lot of mutually incompatible things.

College college college... is still like summer camp

2008-08-29T05:14:22Z

I climbed a tree. And I say fuck a lot. And college is cool. And I'm tired, but we went to buy hummus instead of sleeping. And I have NO PARENTS.

College or Summer Camp?

2008-08-25T06:17:46Z

We're all so immature, but it's really neat. I'm enjoying the sleep deprivation, the constant presence of other people, and pretty much everything. Also one of my classes is going to read Starship Troopers and I am so, so happy.

It's weird, being in college. Very surreal. Very cool. A little bizarre to really come to terms with the fact that I'm an outgoing person now. A little bizarre to realize how much I dislike myself. But also how much I like myself. Viewing myself as all the new people must, I can see how cool I am but also how annoying, and it's weird.

But my roommate is cool, and Kerry's roommate is cool, and we all hang out with a bunch of other cool people and no one seems to hate me, so whatever.

I need more time. Time to unpack, time to socialize, time to call people, time to sleep. It's just not going to happen, though. But whatever. Tomorrow's a new day, and it's going to be really, really excellent. Also I bought a footstool and now I can actually get to my bed. And the Meijer's here has the same plastic dogs in those machines as the Kroger's back home, so I can keep commemorating my grocery shopping with cute pieces of plastic. And one of my new friends got me one when I couldn't find change quick enough and everyone was going to leave me, so I have one from tonight, too.

I got four hours of sleep last night. I'm going to bed.

What what what

2008-08-08T04:58:54Z

I've been reading through old entries in my xanga from a long time ago, back when I (and every other human) had a xanga. I used to be pretty cool, but also pretty lame. That's what I know about myself.

Today I packed some clothing. Two weeks from today I'm going to college.

Things to do first:
buy:
sheets
a blow dryer
socks and underwear
bubble wrap?
toiletries that I need

wash:
clothes
the sheets that are on my bed

pack:
all my stuff

find and return:
library books

It's Very Late

2008-08-04T08:06:03Z

I am suddenly overwhelmed with a desire not to be going away for college. This seems mostly to be fueled by the realization that there a lot more opportunities to play bridge in Ann Arbor than there are in Richmond, Indiana. Lame.

I am also struck by the sudden desire to hear another human voice. I do possibly have access to Nick's voice, but this desire seems to be focused on other people--the obvious, of course, and then a few people I haven't thought about in years, and Mary Claire, and for a few minutes Kerry when I thought that I might be able to call her, but then I realized that it was late and she'd probably be asleep.

Why was I able to hang out with people and still miss people SO MUCH? I can't deal with this.

I've been playing this game. My best time is a little over 34 seconds.

I've also realized that I want to find someone who is exactly as smart as I am and wants to play bridge and games that involve lying ALL THE TIME, and I want to marry them. Right this instant. Because that's what I want in a person. Also reading science fiction and wanting to discuss philosophy, I guess. But I don't even really think I care if this person is a jerk, because honestly I won't have to talk to them much because we can compete all the time.

I Miss You

2008-07-28T00:39:19Z

Rom Com is back. And by that I mean the wiki is still in existence, even though for a while it wasn't. I don't mean that we're actually filming it, because we're not. This is good. The rest of my life isn't, really. I miss Mary Claire. I miss Kerry. I miss other people who aren't organized enough to hang out if Kerry isn't doing the work. I miss my camp friends. I miss last year's camp friends. I miss when the fora used to do things, and various fora people. I miss the people I used to hang out with at Pioneer and don't see that much. I miss my father, who is in California with my brother.

The problem with camp is that it filled my time so completely that its absence is huge. And the problem with missing large numbers of people at a time is that normally I have so many people in life that fulfill overlapping needs that many of them can leave me and I'm still fine. But right now it just seems like I'm missing everyone.

I just want everyone I know to move to Ann Arbor and never leave. Why is that too much to ask?

The end result of this is that I want to go to college pretty badly. Some things, like the fact that my camp friends don't live here, MC is in Germany, the fora is scattered, and I've lost touch with a bunch of people I still in many senses care about, won't change. But Kerry and Maggie will be a hop skip and a jump away at all times and I'll have a roommate and new people and new classes.

Can You Not See the Kind of Life This Would Be; You Are Mistaken

2008-07-03T08:09:53Z

Things:

I've realized that I'm actually looking forward to being sleep-deprived tomorrow. Looking forward to drinking a lot of coffee and behaving in a sleep-deprived manner. I should have gone to sleep a long time ago but I've slept so much lately I don't want to sleep anymore. And I've been so sleep-deprived over the past four years that it's my natural state of being.

The internet is very surreal sometimes.

I'm listening to the most played songs on my iTunes and thinking about how much I like all of them. I try to change up the songs on Pearl a lot so I don't get bored, but that means I forget about some songs I like.

Kevin Yaroch had the same elementary school therapist as me.

I've been reading this book series that I really like and thinking about what makes good writing. I have lots of thoughts, but I don't know who to tell them to. All of the people with similar reading interests to mine I don't really want to talk to at the moment.

Nick and I had our 6th month anniversary. It was good. I am happy about our relationship.

The other day I made hummus for the first time. It was good, except that I used fake lemon juice instead of real lemon juice because I didn't have any real lemon juice, so it wasn't actually good. But it was easy to tell that it would have been good.

I think I've gotten more used to the idea of people who used to be important to me no longer being important.

I want to go to college.

I think that tomorrow I am going to wear ridiculous orange clothing and buy a dress that I've been coveting for a while. These things might not actually happen.

I am listening to one of the best/worst angsty songs on the face of the planet. It makes me really happy.

My desire for monogamy and my happiness with my relationship are more connected than I'd like them to be.

I spend a lot of time on the internet.

I babble when I'm tired.

Maybe I should paint something. But not right now.

I Love You

2008-06-18T05:52:46Z

And my life. And everything. I went to Earlham for a pre-registration day and I had a lot of fun, and now I'm madly in love with everything and just want to go to college.

And I went to TOP, and people were going to watch the movie but I ended up just talking to Kerry and MC, which was great. I like talking more than movies.

But now I only have one working socket in my bedroom, which means I need a a power strip really badly.

There may have been other things I wanted to say, but I don't remember them offhand.

anaraelia @ 2008-06-11T00:34:00

2008-06-11T04:35:14Z

Uncomfortable social situations make me sad. That is all.

Edit: I just realized that today/yesterday really was June 10. I guess that doesn't mean anything to anyone else, but June 10 was a very important day in my life.

I Must Be the Oldest Person Ever

2008-06-04T18:16:52Z

I graduated and I HAVE A DIPLOMA. I also managed to give my 30-second speech without dying, which was nice. Before that I went out to dinner with just my parents, which was really exciting because I don't get to do that very often but sad because my parents had drama and I feel really bad for both of them.

After graduation Kerry, Maggie, MC, Harper, Olivia, and I all went to MC's house. There I had drama on the phone with Nick, because he didn't come to graduation and I was sad and he had homework and was stressed out and sad and now I'm still sad and hurt. Except last night my way of being hurt was to lash out, which wasn't so great, but right now my way of being hurt is to feel distant and like I don't really want to see him very much, which is probably worse, because I think that will actually upset him more than me lashing out. And I don't want him upset because it is my time to be upset. Which sounds really selfish but also I am really, really angry.

And the phone last night was just really bad because we were just making each other more upset but I couldn't hang up because I was at a party and could go downstairs and my friends would make me feel better, and he was alone and he would just have to be sad by himself. Which is why I keep telling him to hang out with his friends more.

But we did eventually hang up and then I went downstairs and my friends made me happy and we talked a lot. And then we went to Starbucks and got coffee which was good because then we were awake. And after that we went to Meijer's to get food and it was a ton of fun but mostly because it was four in the morning. And Kerry and I found every brand of sour cream and onion potato chips and compared them based on price and nutrition facts, and we found the best one and it was our baby. We named it Guinevere Lucille so we could call it Lucifer for short. But then we ate it.

Then we went back to MC's house and hung out some more and I realized that if I wanted to be picked up I was going to have to call my parents at 7:30-ish so I should just stay up until then but I got really tired so I napped a tiny bit after six.

What I've decided is that I really want to learn to drive and possibly get a job and buy myself a car. I really like going places in the middle of the night and this would be easier if I had a license and/or car. I guess I have friends with these things but I don't like being dependent on other people and I feel guilty that some people have to drive all the time. Also if I had a license I might be a real adult.

Maybe I'll Go Wednesday...

2008-06-02T05:30:23Z

Graduation is Tuesday, and classes are tapering out so I don't even have to think about the last time I'll have to be at Commie, or the last time I'll see everyone, and it's still there in the back of my mind, making me snap at people.

Earlham wants me to put preferences in for their freshman seminar things, but they won't let me order them. I saw Iron Man. Part of me wanted to like it, but I didn't. It was a pretty good movie. I just don't really like movies. And I may have had enough of the fantastical to last a lifetime and I'm sick of black and white. Now that I'm kind of out of classes, I have to decide if I'm going in tomorrow. I did say I would, but I don't really want to. I could stay here and paint things instead. Or I could just take B's in FOS and Adv Art. Would Earlham care?

The Wayback Machine Doesn't Have It Either

2008-05-24T04:08:53Z

So apparently Rom Com is no longer there. This is somewhat acceptable, because I'm pretty sure I have all of the script saved on my computer. BUT IT IS ALSO TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. There were lots of things that were just in the history and such. I want them. I am sad.